well, hi there! it’s been a while since i saw you. the past year has been, as for many, a big ol’ blur. but lately, some things have finally begun to sharpen into focus. and so, i have found the courage to become more authentically myself.
for a long time, i haven’t liked my first name. it never really seemed to fit my personality, it was always getting mispronounced or misspelled, and as i became more aware of my gender it felt way too feminine. i’ve tried on several names before but nothing ever fit just right… until kyle. it was brendan’s middle name, and i’m thrilled to steal it. this way, it’s still a name from my parents, which was important to my mom, and my initial stays the same, which is cute to me!
the process to change my name has already begun, by asking my friends, family, and coworkers to refer to me as kyle! for the most part, it’s gone very well. it’s been hardest with my family, but i’m chalking it up to the fact that we just don’t talk that much. but i would suggest to anyone who knows someone who changed their name to practice even when they’re not there! refer to them as their name, by their pronouns, and change their name in your phone asap. little steps become great reminders and it becomes second nature.
the next step in changing my name is petitioning a court! they can technically say no, so i hope they don’t! submitting just the petition is $400 alone, and some of my really incredible followers were able to help me raise the money to do this. after that i have to do fingerprints and a background check before they set a hearing date for my petition. then, hopefully, it will happen! honestly the whole process is very, very overwhelming and i wish i had someone to walk me through it like a toddler. i’ll keep y’all updated how it goes, i’m hoping to submit my petition this week!!
on top of my name change, i also recently came out as non-binary. i’ve been exploring my gender identity since high school, and finally, eleven years after graduating (cue freaky friday: “i’m OLD!”) i’m willing to slap a label on it. being non-binary means that i identify outside of the gender binary. i don’t feel like a woman or a man, but something else entirely. i see myself as a little moon outside the planet of binaries…not in the middle of the binary, but removed from it entirely.
i am happiest being referred to as “they” instead of “her” in conversations, but am too scared usually to speak up if someone misgenders me. it’s also tiresome to have the same conversations and feel like i’m not getting through to folks. it’s something i’m working on though, and hopefully i’ll get more confident soon. but please, if you refer to me, use my new name and pronouns! it affirms my gender and plucks my heartstrings.
as summer creeps around the corner, i’m hoping to see more friends and family in abundance. i’m hosting a themed housewarming next week and that’s the first real “event” i’ve had since a pajama party last march. feels weird!!!!!!! but cool!!!!!!
anyway, i love you. thanks for taking the time to read my rambles. talk soon!!! — k